I want to be happy. I want to understand. But I am limited. I hate myself.
I am scary. None wants to be close to me.
I look like the wolf. Thats why nobody wants to be friend wkth me.
I smell like a dead rat. They hold their breath and make a distance.
I have a dirty heart. Purity and innocence dont suit me.
I dont deserve the world.
No need for anger, but I hate people
Shout, silence answers
Optimism, where do I find it?
Nothing in front of those faces
Embrace moments, evry today is the day
Cry, I need no company
Dreams I chase, scream I dare
Welcome oh The Light
Let it in
Chase the sun, run to the endlessness
The infinity embraces me
Kelly. A name coming up on my mind, always, everytime someone asks me about my childhood inspiration. She ain’t an artist, nor a musician, she ain’t famous. She was just a same age girl with me whose traits were ones everybody likes. Contradicting with me, who was, and is, just an apple among apples. She was funny, cheerful, and she knew how to approach someone new and help him or her adapt, including me, someone new in that town. She knew how to talk with and treat older people. She was also mature among our age, like she always thought every effects or consequences in any actions that she would do. She would become a really nice lady now… My lady.
Yes. My lady, for I would propose her now if she was still here.
She actually was not just my inspiration, she was my childhood, and maybe, forever love. It may sound overboard, since she was no longer here and if you saw me now, I have married and build a nice family. So why do I say forever? Because till now I can’t get over her.
I am writing now in the midst of waiting my flight to Lombok via Bali, departing in 8 more hours. I should wait for that long and I have no idea what to do despite being in such a tourist city with so many beaches here and there. I guess I am still tired and I want to ponder , while being distracted with one funny Korean clips lol.
I’ve abandoned this blog for like months. It’s not that I do not have any ideas of what to write, I’ve got a lot actually. I have some books I want to review, I have some topics I want to talk (starting from those Lolicon bastards to my current adored figure, Elon Musk), and I decide to take a writing project with my long-time friends. Yet I was unable to commence anything because I am too perfectionist inside my head lol, lack of perseverance and enjoying Korean videos too much my leisure time is all for it lol. Apparently, my fighting spirit needs to be upgraded hhi.
Well, Imma starting with books I have finished so far and making a quick review of them. Imma killing this longggg transit time!!
- A Hunchback of Notredame
So I started 2017 with one of Victor Hugo’s masterpiece. Not familiar with him? Well, he’s the original author of Les Miserable. He is one of respected French authors and had a unique delivery of his story. I only have read one of his masterpiece, which is this A-Hunchback of Notredame, and I concluded that he was very obsessed with details in history of every places appeared in his novel which some of them did not have any direct connection with the characters. I remember reading a chapter, one full chapter, explaining about an area in Paris, the story behind the making of it. To be honest I was bored to death. The main premise of this novel was not visible until, like, reaching the middle part of this novel. It was tiring to death, and I kinda forced myself to finish this and postponed reading another. Do you know how long it took to finish this? 6 months! lol.
The main story revolves the people living in French during 1840-ish, if I’m not mistaken. During that time, there were many immigrants in Paris, most of them were gypsies who were known to practice magics and thus, outcast and hated by many Parisians. They were in the bottom part of society back then. There was Esmeralda, a young gypsy girl living with her smart goat, professing as hmm, an entertainer. She showcased her dance along with her goat’s ability to spell human’s names. She put an interest with Phoebe, a Parisian soldier, who seemingly liked her too. Esmeralda did not have parents since she was a kid but she was left with a necklace, which she believed was left by her parents on purpose. She had this gut feeling that her parents, her mother ( I forgot why she was sure it’s her mother) was still alive.
Then there were these other two important characters, Claude de Frollo and Quasimodo. Claude de Frollo was one of political figure in Paris, well-known for his intelligence and level-headedness. He found Quasimodo when Quasimodo was still a baby and raised him, helped him live in society to be a bell-ringer in Notre-dame church. Quasimodo was described as having a monstrous look, having only one-eye with a hump in his back. It didn’t stop there, he was also deaf, and that often caused misunderstandings with other citizens. Many people were scared of his (at that time looks really mattered, guys) hence, he was isolated. Both Frollo and Quasimodo loved Esmeralda. Frollo was even so obsessed with her, that he’d rather Esmeralda died than married other guy. Compared to love possessed by Quasimodo, which made him wish and expect nothing but Esmeralda’s happiness and safety, Frollo’s was the start of all problems in this novel.
I will tell no more about the story, I guess I still recommend you to read this book. You can learn a bit about French history, especially Notre-dame church, since it was really there in Paris. Also, a bell-ringer who had same description like Quasimodo’s actually existed and some guessed that he inspired Victor Hugo. Also, this novel got a damn right moral lesson, that is still relatable for current age. How people with different background, personality, physics, who are deemed abnormal, were often cast aside. Discrimination is still everywhere…
Rating : 3/5
2. The Great Gatsby
Okay, old sports! Let’s get to the point lol. This novel started with a really ordinary-life situations from a point of view of Nick Carraway. He was the neighbor of Jay Gatsby, our main character, and the cousin of Daisy Buchanan, Gatsby’s long-time ex-lover, now a wife of Tom Buchanan. This story revolves around the failure in moving on, push and pull, which led to fatal tragedy in the end of the story. This was my first time reading F. Scott Fitzgerald ‘s and I experienced curiosity in every pages. I was interested with the stereotypings of people in West and East bay and such, lol. I guess stereotyping was really really intense back then. And the twist in the end was really unexpected. After all, I did not really expect Daisy would want to sacrifice everything, her unpleasant marriage too, for Gatsby, I mean, that was like uncommon problem solution for adultery lol. But I don’t expect Gatsby will… fiuih he was willing to sacrifice himself to cover Daisy. and Tom the Coward, ck.
Gatsby was a party leader. He was a millionaire who made many ‘friends’ and they were always there in Gatsby’s house whenever he threw parties. But apparently no-one, but Nick and his father, was there during his hard time. Well, old sports, that’s why you should know well who your true friends are.
Rating : 5/5
3. Start-up Nation: The Story of Israel’s Economic Miracle
This is the first non-fiction book I read in 2017 and everytime people saw me with this book, they looked like I was reading some kind of Adam Smith’s or Parkin’s lol. This book is insightful and helping you be more briefly knowledgeable about Israel and its economic system, but with a nice delivery. Neither Senor or Singer threw those freaky economics terminologies; believe me, they wrote with humane languages lol.
Israel knows their limitation in term of natural resources and number of citizens and that’s the reason why they depend much on R&D and technology. The government also encourages entrepreneurship that it becomes a ‘thing’ there, while people in other nations still considers it as a job with no certain income. They keep seeking of improvement in anything they created to have more effective results. That is what makes Israel a country with the second highest spending on innovation and one of the highest with patent registrations. That is why so many companies from developed countries invest their R&D in Israel despite their not supportive external environment (The Gulf, war with Palestine). Despite its size, Israel was early to catch the benefit of technology could give to human beings.
I was inspired with Israel’s perseverance, mentality, and out-of-the-box thinking through this book. They strived so hard to build their nation by investing more in technology, which can improve their was of living and also contributes to country’s economy. Their strong mentality is mostly contributed by the military background that all of citizens commonly shared. I realize that I live way more comfortably than Israeli. My parents were raising me and my bro-sis really hard but it’s nothing compared to Israel’s situation though lol.
Their nation itself is pretty much a start-up
Things I learned from them :
- Dare to throw opinions and constructive criticism,
- Dare to accept criticism also, despite the source being someone under your rank/age
- Dare to commit for goals and strive for the implementation, no matter how difficult the circumstances are (especially compared to what Israel is facing)
- Dare to make as many alternatives and adjustments as they can not only in business but also in life, since this whole world is full of uncertainty
- Dare to explore ‘world’ and experience adventure to get a perfectly clear sight of your own goals
- Dare to take risks (this one is hard, old sport, I’m a risk-averse hiks)
From this book, I also got to conceptualize a life I want to have; Life I can do my personal things freely, improve myself day by day, and seek for adventure, even in my daily life lol.
Indirectly, I also learn that Success is not achieved in one night. There are processes that needs a lot of patience, a realization that one needs to improve more and more, and you gotta be ready for it. lol
Rating : 5/5
4. The Great Divorce
My favorite Christian author, C.S.Lewis. I’m back reading his work of fiction, describing about a world before hell and heaven. The ones who are saved and deserved heaven, the ones who can only see a little glimpse of it from a far and have to continue journey to the opposite direction. Pretty much the book tells us that. Well, it’s not a matter of your good and wrong deeds. A mother who loved his son so much that she’d rather have her son and herself go to hell for being together did not deserve heaven.
This book also tells that heaven is not about you, not about your enjoying the gold and the joy only for yourself. Heaven is a place in which you will not find any sufferings, since God is the source of your happiness. He is your joy, and thus, worthy much of your praise. In heaven, your life of full worshiping him begins. We, as a re-born Christian, do that on earth. But this earth is sinful, since here evils occupy this earth also. Even though an author wants to fully worship God through his writings, there are times he falls for a selfish goal of wanting fame for himself. That’s just an example, though. In Heaven, God is really the center of everything. You must give up any kind of earthly affections you have and let Him replace it with His affection so that you can love in His way.
Lewis is really a smart and talented author. Such a philosopher. A fairy-tale lover. A deep thinker. I want to be like him.
I need to persevere first.
Rating : 5/5
Okay So that’s all my readings so far. Going to update you more about mmmm maybe about my upcoming fiction writing project with my friend. 🙂
I guess I’d like to take my time for a relaxing massage while still waiting for my flight 🙂
I remember last year, at the same date, I was alone contemplating how I should start and end 2016. I created a big plan, broke them down into specific tasks and routines, like how my study taught me during my campus years lol. I messed a lot due to my lack of disciplines and sacrifice haha though I managed to accomplish some of them after struggling bloody much. Actually my mind is not at ease since I realize that whole 2016 was more a turmoil; I have mixed feelings over it and I do not know if I feel disappointed to myself, but to be exact, I could not feel happy.
I am currently doing the exact same thing that I did last year and I cannot focus. I am super anxious and I am wondering if I still had a capability to be committed to what I have planned. I am afraid that I do not write as many times as I plan. I am afraid that I do not read. I am afraid that I still disappoint my parents with my ignorance. I am afraid that I still find it hard to let people in. I am afraid that I, again, sacrifice my time and friendship for things or people unworthy and realize just when I lose them all. I am afraid that I will mess everything. I am afraid that 2017 is just going to be another time I fail myself.
The things are now, I have so many regrets over things I did in 2016. This time I really wonder if I could travel back and undo so many things. So many if-s that are inside my head now and they are singing louder when I am in my silence. I try to distract myself by opening Instagram, Path, anything but those just keep me trapped even more.
I should move forward, I know. Start anew. But despite that knowledge, I am afraid. I fear 2017.
I just…want to apologize to some friends that I avoid, forget. To some people that I just turned down their care and love. To my parents, sister, and brother. To God. The last two entities are whom I disappointed the most.
I am going to pray and I do hope that there will be peace in my mind and heart. I badly need it.
And at last, I want to apologize to myself. I turn away from the love I need just to get comfort from a temporary lust.
Everything changes and will never go back to the way it used to be
You go there, I stay here, they spread nowhere to be known
No matter how sorry I am, I can never re-create moments
I am drowning inside of my head, thinking about how things were,
Comparing things that are now
They say you are better off this way, appears to me they blame me
For how you were
I do not care what they think of me, that if they thought I made you worse
THough I blame myself much for what happened
But one thing that I realize, I never meant any harm to you
I know that I supported you so much, and even though you disgraced me
degraded me, from the title of your close friend to be your close trash
I still know that you are capable and I wish nothing but the best
I will keep myself from hoping to be your entourage
I will live my life if that’s what you want
And I will never go back
I will keep myself from going back
I will try my best to disappear from your eyes if that comfies you
I am sorry for breathing the same air
in the same place
But I promise I will never bother you
You can hold onto my words
Since I always try my best on it
So sorry for being at your sight everyday
Even though it hurts me to be disgraced like that
Wish you the very best luck and success!