To The Tip of The…

I remember last year, at the same date, I was alone contemplating how I should start and end 2016. I created a big plan, broke them down into specific tasks and routines, like how my study taught me during my campus years lol. I messed a lot due to my lack of disciplines and sacrifice haha though I managed to accomplish some of them after struggling bloody much. Actually my mind is not at ease since I realize that whole 2016 was more a turmoil; I have mixed feelings over it and I do not know if I feel disappointed to myself, but to be exact, I could not feel happy.

I am currently doing the exact same thing that I did last year and I cannot focus. I am super anxious and I am wondering if I still had a capability to be committed to what I have planned. I am afraid that I do not write as many times as I plan. I am afraid that I do not read. I am afraid that I still disappoint my parents with my ignorance. I am afraid that  I still find it hard to let people in. I am afraid that I, again, sacrifice my time and friendship for things or people unworthy and realize just when I lose them all. I am afraid that I will mess everything. I am afraid that 2017 is just going to be another time I fail myself.

The things are now, I have so many regrets over things I did in 2016. This time I really wonder if I could travel back and undo so many things. So many if-s that are inside my head now and they are singing louder when I am in my silence. I try to distract myself by opening Instagram, Path, anything but those just keep me trapped even more.

I should move forward, I know. Start anew. But despite that knowledge, I am afraid. I fear 2017.

I just…want to apologize to some friends that I avoid, forget. To some people that I just turned down their care and love. To my parents, sister, and brother. To God. The last two entities are whom I disappointed the most.

I am going to pray and I do hope that there will be peace in my mind and heart. I badly need it.

And at last, I want to apologize to myself. I turn away from the love I need just to get comfort from a temporary lust.

 

Let Us Sing Boombayah

~~ Middle finger up, F-U-PAY ME!

2

Source of PIC : designtaxi.com. What a cute pic up there!

One of my silly friends pointed his middle finger to me and I laughed it off. Suddenly it reminded me of :

  • Blackpink’s song. IF you guys don’t watch or observe 1/10000 parts of Kpop, you wont ever get this
  • My thoughts on people who are jerks and and bastards and  angelic-demonic-in-between and stupid that I got to see and deal with.
  • My self.

Yo-Yo-Yo

Prologue : My Name

 

my name

Once upon a time, I come in to a place where the people are as bright as the sky. They are a bunch of fine-brained with ambition to take down all creatures above the galaxy and below the earth. Majority is the born-stars, while very few are those called The Average. They spend whole day and night debating over things in this world and solving problems, even if they are just as tiny as the tip of my pink finger. They want to be noticed so badly, appraisal is what they seek and sleek is their tongue. They are a collection of aggressive, calculative, brave, human. They are beastly, but at the same time, likable. Those are the Attackers. Those are The Strategists.

The Average is a collection of people who are no longer unable to grow and do not seek for any improvement. They are bunch of guys who just live to live, going distinct time after time. They are unacceptable, that is why they are closed-off. They are the Bridge Builder, The Hammersmith, The Weapon Makers. The judgement is they can work only with hand. And to their names no one is interested.

I am trusted as one of the born-stars, deep inside I know that is true. My name is unknown. But quirky is my personality compared to the those, that they believe I am not. The judgment is I am passive. Spirit of competing is what I do not have. I am only sitting while others are running. Bad is my tongue and slow is my brain. In my own world I live. I am assigned as one of the Attacker while the judgment is my seat should be what The Average just do. I am not refusing the judgement since true are most of the contents.  But wrong is the part that I am incapable of competing.  And to defend myself in the assessment, I can think even though slow is the run. I am seeking for a growth and my soul wants to be involved in the taking-downs.

to be continued.

 

REAL OR NOT REAL?

mockingjaymaxresdefault (1)

“On the night I feel that thing again, the hunger that overtook me on the beach, I know this would have happened anyway.That what I need to survive is not Gale’s fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that.”

Despite mixed reviews about the movie, I still made up my mind to watch Mockingjay Part 2. Partly due to my impression of the novel that long ago took over my mind, and other one is because I already watched the previous movies and also because I am a fan of J-Law’s acting. To be honest, I did not remember a whole detail of the novel version, since it’s been long time ago, but the big picture is still stamped in my brain. So while watching the movie version, I on the same time reminisced the details and I thought the production team changed some things but yeah, the premise was still there.

I guess you should watch this. I try very much to hold back my emotion while writing this but you should watch this. From the actresses and actors’ actings to the effect this movie has, the story line, the surprises in the scenes (though for me they’re not surprising since I read the book :)).

I am so happy with the heroine here, with the rolled-away corrupted leader, who is so much like leaders in my countries here, taking away resources only to establish their own shitty empire. I am so thrilled with the way the people loyal with the iconic uprising leader, which is Katniss, who is actually more than just an icon. I am touched with the feelings each character showed, so broken seeing Prim, the one Katniss tried to protect since the beginning of the story, the reason why Katniss faced the dirty tricks of politics, yet indirectly caused the drastic transformation of Panem. This movie has my three-finger salute. And I love every scenes of “Real or Not Real” ones hohohohoohoho.

 

But let’s not forget that the movie version cut away my most favorite quote, the one I put in the beginning of this letter. Collins could not picture it any better. I don’t know, it’s just I could take that personally lol. Katniss may have struggled together with Gale since their childhood times, but that didn’t make them share the same vision of peace. This we could see starting in the District 13, in details like the ambitions Gale had over the war, how they differed in viewing war as the way to lead to protection and prosperity. Peeta was surely living a better life than them before the Games, that’s why he had a softer heart and more level-headed mind. But he and Katniss seemed to have same views over war and have people they want to protect but war is just not the way. They compliment each others. Fire and Dandelion. And they (red : production team, the screenplay) skipped this. It breaks my heart till now lol.

Well, I am lil bit sad that I should part away, again, with my favorite heroine, Katniss Everdeen. She, much less, inspires me of caring the closest ones I have. I do not have many, though. So it will be a shame if I do not treat them properly. She shows how the originality of who she is and shrewdness, instead of empty sweet-tongue and fake, can take her everywhere and I want to leverage mine, too. I mean she is not perfect, in term of personality, I do not think she is the ideal character for girls or women. But that is what makes me like her more, for I can relate more to her.

And since I do not want to end up losing ones I care for, I consider to be honest to them lol okay things are getting more personal now ;p

That’s it I think for now. I am thankful that I ever read and watched the complete installments of The Hunger Games.

I am gonna re-read and re-watch them hohoho.

 

 

Big ?

141205_16

Tell me what’s more dangerous
In life than living a life with
No soul, no freedom, no purpose
I don’t think there’s anything
More cruel than taking away those things
That make a human human

Society talks about morality, politeness
About listening to your old man
The importance of settlement
Of security, in the form of money
But what if all things society believes
To be the grand luxury of earth
Are only robbing the most fundamental right
of ours?

Children go to school, learn all those stuffs
No wonder the living creatures on this blue earth
Are all zombies
Living a life of routines only desiring a survival
for another day
With no direction, only tomorrow knows
Praying for better future, an empty pray
For you don’t know exactly what you are sayin’

Making parents happy? Seeing all your crews proud?
Have you ever questioned yourself while you’re busy
Thinking bout them
Are those things making yourself happy and proud?
Are those things fulfilling the sense of yours as human?
Regardless all your backgrounds, are you at ease, at no doubt
with the current track you are walking on?

You are designed and gifted with mind and heart
Those differ you from other livin creatures
Do search of what’s best for you in life
You have a voice
Good enough to pour out what you’re thinkin
Do voice them out
So what if what you believe is different
from what society deems right?
And also,
So what if what you do believe what society deems right?

The greatest robbery in life is to rob
People’s right and freedom to do
What they are believin
The greatest rape in life is to take away
People’s right and freedom and force
them to agree with general consesus
When they don’t

Just use your mind
And get out of your zombie’s life
You deserve a better life

Personality Theories Should be Seen as Tendencies Instead of Absoluteness

intp-ariadne-title

Yes, pls notice the title of this post (not the picture), take it to your brain, and reflect it. Why all of a sudden I come up with this topic? Because I am crazily in the mood of writing and there are some people who need to be further educated regarding the usage of MBTI personality tests results.I am sick with these people, including myself, who improperly uses this theory as their excuses for actions they took and impacts they created.

I just took (again) an MBTI personality test and the result, still same with previous attempts last year, is an INTP. Here is the detailed result :

intp-2

You have to notice some important things from the results :

  1. The results are shown in a bar, which has two poles
  2. Each poles is consisted of personalities and could be measured, proved by the percentage value
  3. What does that mean? That means every individuals has both poles for each pair of traits, but they tend to have more in one pole over the other.
  4. And do you know that the last year I took the test, the result was the same but the percentage value was different? Last year, Introverted got the first place followed by Thinking, Intuitive, and Prospecting, respectively. Yet look at that picture now. What does it say?

I am 74% introverted, 40% intuitive, 38% thinking, and 50% prospecting/perceiving. I prefer solitary moment to recharge myself instead of party-ing with bunch of dudes. I favor a big picture than a handful of details. I tend to hide my feelings and show objectivity and rational part of me. But I still keep my options open even though I have got plans in hands. But that does not mean I cannot make friends at all. I am open-minded yet pragmatic. I easily get mad when people try to ruin my job and I still write my to-do lists. Like I said, it’s all about tendencies.

So never say that you are like this because you are an ENFJ. Or I am introverted and socially inept that is why I do not make friends and that’s why (making friends) is not important. Yes, I am a loner and I am not easily making friends. Yes I choose my friends very carefully. But I still can connect to others, screw chunk. Yes  I enjoy reading theories and find myself aloof with the execution of plans yet that does not mean I cannot do the technical things. Believe me, when you are in the beginning of your career, your whole work life is all bout technical things, less strategic, unless you work as consultants or auditors or lawyers or corporate experts.

So please, pleeeeaaaaase, stop making a lame excuse yeah. That personality result may show us a foundation of why we are doing what we are doing, and I know some scientists have stated extrovert-introvert does have connections with our brain parts.  But to misuse it for hiding yourself, justifying your acts is another story. And do not force yourself to be COMPLETELY that type of personality. So what if you have one or some deviation(s)?

I am INTP yes. I am proud of who I am, with all plus minus. Yet that does not mean I am unable or not really having any other traits rite?

And that does not mean I am unable to make a cheap romantic poem like this one

I will not lie that I am deeply falling

Both in love and lust

You have awaken a part of me that 

You have filled me up with

New views I never dare to look at

I wonder of all people

Why you?

SMARTASS L WHOM I ADORE. HE HAS SAME TRAITS WITH ME:)

SMARTASS L WHOM I ADORE. HE HAS SAME TRAITS WITH ME:)

Looking Out The Beauty in Chaos, The Butterfly Effect

butterfly effect

The Butterfly Effect.  I firstly heard that from a movie played by Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart. The premise was about a man who tried to alternate his and his friends’ live by travelling back to some past events so that the misfortunes they had could be erased. The movie tried to show us that a little thing someone did in the past may affect anyone or anything overtime. Well, I’m not gonna discuss that movie though it’s so tempting to do.

But, in my opinion, the movie is not doing the theory much justice.

In academic context, this is known also as The Chaos Theory. You may hear this quote somewhere sometime that “A flap of butterfly’s wings in Mexico could lead to a typhoon in Brazil”. Well, it may not be exactly the same but the message is more or less similar. This theory firstly came out of a scientist or meteorologist or mathematician (I dont know, but he dealt much with math formula and forecasting), namely Edward Lorenz. He was inspired during his attempt of weather prediction using numerical computer model, entering the initial condition 0.56 instead of full precision 0.561… will lead to different result of weather forecasting. First his theory was launched in his book titled “Deterministic Nonperiodic Flow” and later on, he used a more poetic, dramatic metaphor, Butterfly. Before, there was a fictional-story author who happened to tell in his novel, A Sound of Thunder, that what happened to a butterfly could impact or influence a series of events, though it was indirect/subtle.

2048px-Lorenz_attractor_yb.svg

Keep in mind that this butterfly does not CAUSE the typhoon, like most of people generally state in every quotes (even the movie stated it wrong!). The flap only leads, influences, as a series of initial conditions of the typhoon to happen. Meaning that the impact it gives will not be direct and its role is lapped by other factors too. Also meaning, the connection may be random, unrelated, but it is just…connected to each others.

Interesting, isn’t it? I found my mind blown by this freakin damn theory. This chaos theory is applied in finance, though so often debatable. How something people deem to be insignificant could possibly give different results to our or other people’s whole damn life when done. Are your mind not asking the ‘what if…’s right now? Because Mine is. What if my bitchy look indirectly influences a terror in other part of this world? What if my harsh words somehow helps creating a serial killer? What if my bad voice leads to an instability of my nation’s economic situation?

And what if my writing masterpiece affects you, whoever you are, to madly be  in love with me?

Okay, the last one is only kidding.

Well, all the what if-s are totally random events. Like, at a glance, logically, those terrible things will not happen just because of what I do. I mean, look at me, who am I to be a part of some world events’ initiators? I am just a pretty little dust in this big, big earth. But probably, they do connect. I don’t know why, I don’t know how. Even I possibly will never know that my events are connected to others’. Maybe we could find the connections when we  trace them back behind, when we pull the threads slowly piece by piece.  Or maybe not.

That statement of flapping butterfly and typhoon still does not make any sense to me. But the events probably occur just like that.

I learn some lessons from this, starting from the cheesy normative ones to the one I funnily come up with randomly. Let’s begin from the cheesy ones. First, one should pay more attention to his/her acts. Second, one should not do reckless things, at least minimizes doing it. Because all of those would probably influence some events, not right at the moment at the place but maybe somewhere in far away country sometime in the future.

And the one I funnily randomly come up with is this could be a foundation of a creating innovative excuses. Like, Betty, why did you get a bad score in your History test? Hmm, mom, probably because there is a handsome guy flirting with my friends that does not brush his teeth.

Okay, too random.

Though all the examples are negative, I hope you could see from a positive point of view. As much as some ill-favored things could randomly be affected by our nasty deeds, so could our decent deeds. Good things we decide to act may perhaps affect other things or persons life, if not today in here, maybe tomorrow in there God knows where. A simple smile thrown may stop great killings of human beings in other part of your world. A small touch on kids hand may create a handful of peace fighters.

A simple letter of mine could possibly make you madly in love me.

Kidding again hehe.

I think this is it for today. Huaaah it’s relieving to share my excitement towards this Butterfly Effect. I may not explain this very well and even perhaps understand it wrong. So I open for any discussions here in below comment columns.

At last, thank you for dropping by!

PS : Sources of references

Wikipedia

Investopedia