To The Tip of The…

I remember last year, at the same date, I was alone contemplating how I should start and end 2016. I created a big plan, broke them down into specific tasks and routines, like how my study taught me during my campus years lol. I messed a lot due to my lack of disciplines and sacrifice haha though I managed to accomplish some of them after struggling bloody much. Actually my mind is not at ease since I realize that whole 2016 was more a turmoil; I have mixed feelings over it and I do not know if I feel disappointed to myself, but to be exact, I could not feel happy.

I am currently doing the exact same thing that I did last year and I cannot focus. I am super anxious and I am wondering if I still had a capability to be committed to what I have planned. I am afraid that I do not write as many times as I plan. I am afraid that I do not read. I am afraid that I still disappoint my parents with my ignorance. I am afraid that  I still find it hard to let people in. I am afraid that I, again, sacrifice my time and friendship for things or people unworthy and realize just when I lose them all. I am afraid that I will mess everything. I am afraid that 2017 is just going to be another time I fail myself.

The things are now, I have so many regrets over things I did in 2016. This time I really wonder if I could travel back and undo so many things. So many if-s that are inside my head now and they are singing louder when I am in my silence. I try to distract myself by opening Instagram, Path, anything but those just keep me trapped even more.

I should move forward, I know. Start anew. But despite that knowledge, I am afraid. I fear 2017.

I just…want to apologize to some friends that I avoid, forget. To some people that I just turned down their care and love. To my parents, sister, and brother. To God. The last two entities are whom I disappointed the most.

I am going to pray and I do hope that there will be peace in my mind and heart. I badly need it.

And at last, I want to apologize to myself. I turn away from the love I need just to get comfort from a temporary lust.



A Starter – A First Bull Shot ( I hope not)


source :

It is now 2015! Happy New Year! How much champagne did you gulp? 😉

I am sorry for the previous unproductive 4 months, I mean, I did not post anything here. Even I did not read as many books as I targeted in the beginning of 2014. Poor.

One of my resolution (that I have just created while posting this, believe me) is to read 55 books, at the very least in 2015.

I have to push myself more then.

And I will, at least, join 2 Reading Challenges this year.

Then, I plan to register myself in Indonesian Book Blogger 🙂

At last, I will push myself more to continue writing fictions.

And I will start everything I promise I will start last year lol such a cliche. Let us see whether I can be a starter at least for my own plan, this year.

By the way, do you ever feel that you have ‘a hole’ inside you, yourself, that you always find inside you even when you feel really happy? ‘A hole’ that is, out of nowhere, staying inside you and making you feel unfulfilled?

Such a dramatic question lol.

Anyway, there is a poem related to ‘a hole’, but well, not like what I just wanted to discuss.

Written by someone (ehem).

Enjoy 🙂

There he stood under the woods

Crying over a lover he lost

Mistakes so many he did

Forgiven he realized undeserved

‘If only’ knocks his head

Storm to his heart it led

Comfort he longed, but sorrow he grabbed

Hit him, the cruelty of loneliness

Left him a hole he knew he’s worth of

‘A bollock, A bollock’ said he

‘Why did you not disappear?’

‘If only you knew before…

…that only doom your birth can give’ cried he

He shouted, cried 

until Death found him

And brought him to place his lover is

Fill in him the hole he should bear